I wonder If He Swallowed It?

Ted Cruz eats a booger at the debate, but did he swallow it? 

Something tells me Henry Kissinger might be in Ted’s corner.

Still Kickin’

Just wanted to burp out a little post to say I’m still hanging in there and still sober as can be unless you’re gonna kick me over mouthwash that I don’t swallow anyway. That’s non-fluoride mouthwash by the way. I haven’t had a lot to say lately, or maybe so much that I can’t even begin to say it. Things are cool though despite the gang stalkers and demons trying to fuck with me. Will they ever give it up? I’m doubtful of that but hey, bring it on if you must. Get your ya ya’s out of your system because you don’t have a lot of time left. Me? I’ve got plenty of time.

I haven’t even looked at my blog in a while. Lots of shit has been happening and I’ve been busy researching as usual. I wrote a song recently but I haven’t been back to put music to it yet or even read the lyrics. It took me about ten minutes to write it because I was writing two more while I was writing that one. I figure after the first of the year I’ll put my studio back into use and do some recording. I’m pretty sure I’ve got this now.

I took a songwriting course online from Berklee school of music almost a year ago. Pat Pattison was my professor. I didn’t participate in the course as much as most students did. I wasn’t after a certificate to hang on my wall. I don’t give a damn about that kind of stuff. I was just after the information. I could have paid forty bucks and got a piece of paper saying I took the course, but what’s the point in that? There was no pass or fail, so why bother?

I know, you’re probably wondering about the gang stalkers and demons and where the hell that came from. I’ll get around to that in my next post though. Its no big deal really. Its just some losers thinking they can scare me. But I’m not afraid of anyone. Shit like that happens after you’ve tasted death. Life is just a journey, not a destination. Its not over when you leave this earthly body. Unless you happen to be one of them. Which I’m not.

I’ll be back with some good stuff pretty soon. Like I said, I’ve been researching a lot lately. Until then, may peace and love be upon you…

 

 

I Just Want Them To Know That I Know

Now the little fat bastard with the candy addiction is talking behind my back. He doesn’t know I have eyes and ears everywhere. He doesn’t know that I played music at a biker club last weekend. He doesn’t know that I drank a whole bottle of water and played the lead to Give Me Three Steps on my guitar while I was wearing my old Harley Davidson boots. I told that little fat bastard that he only knows what I allow him to know. The fat little motherfucker shook my hand and told me he respected me. Now he’s going to talk behind my back?  This guy don’t know how lucky him and I both are.

If all this shit would have happened five or six years ago I would probably be in jail and he would still be wondering how he swallowed all those teeth. They say everything happens when its supposed to. That’s good for me and him both I suppose. He has no idea what all I do know. And he never will. But you can bet your ass someone is going to hear about everything. He might know a little bit, because I saw a familiar last name on a list of (25) Board Members of a local United Way Chapter. I have their financial statement and IRS Form 990 from 2013. And I have all 25 names on that list. And #24 (a female attorney) shares a last name with that fat boy.

The place he works for is affiliated with The United Way. Those bastards sent me a bill for 200 dollars for a mental evaluation done by a fat little sugar addicted twelve stepping crank head cultist. He hasn’t read the Orange Papers? But he knows about AVRT?  Or at least he says he has heard about it. I don’t think this guy has been honest with me since day one, and all he’s gotten from me was honesty.

I don’t want to have to take this to litigation. Since that’s a rigged game too, I doubt it would do me a lot of good. I know how the laws of commerce are used to dominate the laws that people follow. I know that humans are word controlled creatures. And I know the meaning of a lot of those words. I know about how humans are used as energy resources, and how the corporate system is all about NOT taking responsibility for the problems it is causing. People are treated as products to be used by the money system. That’s why they assign you a number after you are birthed. Or is that berthed? I also know that the court system works in harmony with the banking system to extract revenue from people. I know how words and money have been used to enslave us. All you have to do is start breaking down words and examining their connections and meanings.

I know what a drivers license is. I know what a driver is, and I know what a motor vehicle is. I don’t drive. I travel. And there’s a big difference. Drivers get paid to operate motor vehicles because they are conducting commerce. Most people don’t know what they are getting into by signing a drivers license. When you sign it, you are consenting to play by a set of rules that are not in your favor. When you register a motor vehicle with a “state” you are essentially giving up any rights you thought you had to that motor vehicle that you call a car. And you’re paying rent on that thing too.

I may be ignorant of some things, but I’m far from stupid. And I just want them to know that I know. The Emperor has no clothes, bitch. And I just started yet another file on these bastards. I will burn the whole shit-house down before I go. Its too late to put the fire out now. And all they’re doing is pouring gasoline on it. Keep it up motherfuckers. Everybody needs to know, and I’m going to do my best to tell my side of the story. I never gave much thought about The United Way before all this bullshit happened. Now they’ve made the “expose these fuckers too” list.

Separation of Church and State – my ass!

They are joined at the hip.

Stay tuned …. you don’t want to miss anything.

I may not last long enough to tell it all. But I’m going to spill all the beans I can before I go peacefully into the night. Bank on it! There’s no such thing as dying, as most people understand it. The fat lady can’t sing worth a shit either. And I’ve already let the cat out of the bag long before I started this blog.

 

 

 

 

Monday

Hey ‘mon its another day. Another weekend in the books and another no show for a singer, bass player, and drummer. I don’t know what’s up with these guys, I guess they’re not as serious as my friend and I. We got together Saturday night and practiced for about 7 hours without the rest of the band anyway. We got bored enough I guess that I sang a few songs myself. I’m still not much on singing either. It took me a long time to ever get to the point that I could sing and play guitar at the same time. But singing just isn’t what I’m into unless its just singing some back up. I don’t mind doing that at all, I’ve gotten comfortable with it over the years. My friend can’t sing and play at the same time at all. His timing goes to hell as soon as he starts singing, and I know exactly how that is. It took a lot of years practicing at it to ever pull it off and I still have a lot of trouble with some songs.

The phrasing is what kills me most. I’m still on with my timing but if I don’t know the song very well, meaning I’ve heard and played it  a lot, I have trouble. My memory isn’t what it used to be and I rely on a lyric sheet a lot when I do try to sing a song. Singing backup doesn’t take near the effort that singing lead does. We haven’t got enough years to waste on waiting to see if I could ever do it though. We need to find a singer who wants to perform as much as we do, even though we don’t want to play every weekend or anything. I’d like to play twice a month or so though.

I knew we’d never get anywhere with cops in our band. They just have the wrong work days and hours for being in a working band. It takes a lot of time off stage practicing and learning to be good enough to go on stage and perform at a level that people will actually pay money to be anywhere about you while you’re playing. Most people don’t have any idea of how much time and effort it takes to do that. And not everyone does have the time. Its a frustrating line of work to get into most of the time. The only real reward behind it is making people feel better and have a good time while you’re hopefully entertaining them. Anyone that wants to be a musician just to get rich should hang it up now because you’re guaranteed to have a bad time.

My weekend wasn’t bad despite the no shows. We got better at playing some songs at least. Last night, to top off a pretty decent weekend already, I got to talk to a good friend of mine. Its been a while since we had a good chat. I was giving him the lowdown on AA and he was catching me up a little with the outside world. I don’t mess around much with media anymore. Most of them are lying to us anyway. I learned  something new about the missile that hit the pentagon on 9/11. I haven’t done much investigating lately into that subject. We laughed about how we were both “experts” on that whole subject. And I guess we really are kind of experts on it. We were truthers before the word came into mainstream existence. We used to tag team the shills on a forum until it dried up and went away forever. That was weird how they managed to delete that whole thing from the internet archives. You might get lucky and find a bit and piece here and there of it, but probably nothing important. Somewhere along the way we posted too much information for uncle scam I guess.

Over all it was a pretty good weekend. I didn’t drink lol.

Two Meetings In One Night

I think I know why these meeting work well if you stick with them. They keep you tied up doing so much that you don’t have time to get drunk lol. The more I go the more regulars show up. I see some people that might just come once a week or maybe every other week. Most of the old timers seem to be pretty cool. I’m not that far behind some of them in age. I’ve had a few of the members hit me up after the meetings just to shoot the breeze. So far most of them just ask me how I managed to stay sober so long. I feel like I have to be careful what I say to them because I don’t want them to drop out of the program thinking I have some magic solution for them, because I don’t. I tried to quit drinking several times before I was able to give it up and it never worked.

The only thing I can think to say about it was that I had a horrible near death experience that I still have nightmares about sometimes. I also have a nice sized collection of steel rods and screws now that hold my spine together, although crooked. I guess I’m lucky they could even put me back together at all.

I feel kinda stupid sometimes going to these meetings too. Hell I’m on about five drugs anyway and one of them is something people are getting hooked on all over the damn country right now making it hard on people who need pain pills to get them. My first regular doctor had me on 10mg percocet and told me I should go to AA meetings because I was going to be on those for the rest of my life. ???? I honestly don’t get that. I definitely need the pain pills. I’ve tried my best to go without them and its not worth the pain. I’d rather die than be in that much pain all the time. I don’t feel like I’m hooked on them but yet I still can’t do without them. The only thing that’s ever made me totally pain free since I messed my back up was morphine and diludad. The morphine wasn’t bad because I could still function on it. The diludad just plain knocked my ass out and made me go to sleep as pain free as could be. But, you can’t be in the hospital all the time like that, so you’ve got to settle with what you can get between a doctor and a pharmacy.

My pills last me all month most all of the time. There are a few days here and there when I take a couple more than I should because of the weather. But there might also be a day here and there that I can go on less than my allowed amount. It usually evens out every month. I feel guilty in a way going to these meetings because of my pain killer usage. One thing I do want to be clear about though. I don’t take the pills to get high. I strictly use them to help kill some pain. I still live in a certain amount of pain though. I could get on something a lot stronger if I really wanted to but I choose to use the weakest thing I can get away with. When I first started taking pail pills I did get somewhat of a buzzed feeling from them, but not anymore. I don’t know how many I would have to take to actually get a buzz now but I imagine it would probably take me 5 or 6 pain pills to get a buzz if that’s what I was looking for. I’m very strict on myself about it all though and only take them as needed and as little as I can get away with. They still upset my stomach but nothing compared to percocet. I know a lot of pill heads have told me I was crazy for not getting something stronger, but I just figure they tell me that so they can try to talk me out of some. I already have enough people hitting me up for pain pills as it is. I try not to tell anyone of theses AA and NA people that I take them at all. But its not hard for them to figure it out if they see my x-rays. Anyone who sees them instantly knows that I must be on pain medication. That’s always their first reaction when they see my x-rays. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a set of x-rays like that on anyone, I’d know for sure they were on pain pills. Most people are just amazed that I can get around as good as I do when they see the damage done on my spine. They literally had to take my spinal cord out and lay it to the side to pick all the bone fragments out from the crushed vertebrae. I’m totally missing one of them altogether and my spine is fused on each side of that missing one. Its a bitch to bend over or even lean forward for over five minutes. When I was some dishes it usually takes me an hour or so just to do two sinks full of them. And then I have to rest a few hours afterwards.

Just taking a road trip for 3 to 4 hundred miles take a big toll on me. I have to stop at least every hour and walk a little bit. I can’t hardly make a 180 mile trip one way without stopping for  a ten or fifteen minute walking/moving around break. And even today, over six years down the road I still can’t sleep in a regular bed. I sleep in a Lazy Boy recliner every night when I do sleep. That’s another thing I have major problems with, is sleeping. There’s lots of times I stay up 24-48 hours before I can go to sleep. Somewhere along the way and after my accident I developed sleep apnea and have to wear what I call my fighter pilots mask every time I sleep. It took me a couple of years just to find the right medications so I could maintain a halfway normal sleeping pattern and get a good nights rest. If not for the pain pills wearing off I might get even a little more sleep. But at least now I’m halfway close to normal as I can get with it.

It really pisses me off at the amount of people that will hit me up for pain pills. I’ve heard every excuse in the book from people over the years and its almost always someone you know was just wanting them to get a buzz. Back in the day I took some hydrocodone just to get high. I don’t like the high they give you and upset stomach that always goes with them. When you really and honestly need them for purposes of pain you can’t get high on them. I’m being totally honest here too. There’s no comparison to the effects of the drug between needing them and just wanting them. They are absolutely horrible for your health and can cause you all kinds of not so nice side effects. They damn sure aren’t good for your liver no matter what reason you take them for. For some pharmaceutical drugs the side effects are worse than the benefits of them. But that’s legal. Like cigarettes and booze.

In my opinion, and a well researched opinion too I might add. Marijuana is probably better for a person than pharmaceutical drugs for depression. Especially SSRI’s. I’m glad to see some of the major respected researchers in the mmedical world have actually started breaking the taboo about it and admitting that I can be a beneficial thing. I think it was the American cancer foundation that recently released some studies on marijuana and admitted that it really does kill some cancer sells and some 700 other medical uses.  I got interested in that subject several years ago knowing deep down that it couldn’t be that bad for you. You actually have an endocannabinoid (EC) system in your brain. Everyone has them too. What other reason COULD they be there for? In laymen terms, it would seem to me that if we all have receptors in our brain for it, we’re probably supposed to be using it at least for medical purposes. I think of it as at least being mother natures antidepressant. And if it kills cancers cells, which is a proven fact now that its finally been acknowledged by the mainstream medical science community there’s got to be some validity to it. I know for a fact that certain strains of it make a good  effective pain medication. And it natural. If you believe in God, you have to know that God put it here just like trees and plants that are food and medicines for all kinds of uses. I’ve heard some people of the religious persuasion admit to as much, but there’s a little ole legal issue with it still in several states still. More and more states are legalizing medical marijuana. They can’t all be dope head hippies Like the stereotype that’s been programmed into us for decades by the media.

William Randolph Hurst of Hurst publications was mostly responsible for “reefer madness” the movie that totally demonized marijuana just it get it illegal because it threatened the paper industry that Hust was so heavily invested in back then. He wanted it outlawed because he had a monopoly on the wood/paper industry back in those days. It doesn’t take a genius or even a medical expert to figure that out. Just a little research will show anyone that was the case behind it being illegal. The oil and gas industry felt threatened by it too. It can replace the wood we use for paper easily. You can even get oil from the seeds of the hemp plant and make fuel to run a car off of. Not only that. Henry Ford made a car almost entirely out of hemp that even ran on hemp oil. Its a sustainable product too. You can grow way more hemp (every year) on the same amount of land that it takes trees to mature enough to get one use out of before they have to replant and wait another several years to harvest. Hemp is a crop that can be grown every year instead of twenty or more years on the same amount of land. It only make economical sense and a “green” technological sense that we should be using it over oil, whick will eventually run out on us. According to most experts in the oil industry we have already hit peak oil production and production is on the downswing from here on out. Meaning its only going to get more and more expensive until the little guy is not going to be able to afford it soon. Yes, its dropped in price recently. But that just because the powers that be are using it as a weapon and domination tool right now, along with their Rothschilds fractional reserve fiat currency banking system to rely’s upon debt to hold up the value behind our currency. We were taken off the gold standard years ago because there’s not enough gold in the world to cover the cash currency floating around in our fake economy. Its not sustainable. Eventually the credit card people catch up to you with such a debt that it can be impossible to pay off eventually. Just like out “national debt”. Its all “on the credit card” right now and we can’t even keep up with the interest payments. That’s why the government keeps having to raise the debt ceiling on us.

I know this has very little to do with AA at this point of my post. But like a lot of things,  a lot of our biggest problems today are directly due to debt and the inability to sustain our way of life. Eventually its all going to come crashing down on us and make the great depression look like good times compared to what’s ahead of us. Knowing all of this contributed to my alcoholism a great deal I think. I’ve thought for a long time now that we are doomed to financial ruin as things are. And the doom of it when you get your eyes open enough to see it make things worse. A lot of people know this stuff these days and I’m sure its contributed greatly to addiction. People use to mask and hide their pain because we don’t know what to do about this inevitability.

For distraction they use the old bread and circus trick to keep us pacified and keep us from banding together to demand solutions. Mass media is mass indoctrination anymore. A quick study on Edward Bernays will tell you quite a bit about that.  They’ve got us believing a lot of outright lies anymore. A lot of people are thinking they’re watching the news anymore when all it really is is an opinion show. Some people get paid a lot of money to sell us lies and propaganda. Its always corporate sponsored too. Especially by corporation that make lots of money from our gullibility and approval of their system that keeps them rich and us poor.

I’ve heard it so many times for people when you explain things to them and they end up admitting its true. That we are run by psychopaths. They all say the same thing after admitting you’re right. “But I’m only one person, there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing we can do about it.” If everyone of those people got together and demanded change, we’d have change in no time. A national strike would get their attention pretty fast. Ghandi proved that a long time ago. Peaceful resistance is the ultimate power we have as a collective. They can’t put everyone in jail or it would cause the same effect as a national strike.

Too many people are scared of the government and that’s wrong. We should be scared of out government. They’re supposed to be working FOR us. The fact that none of them truly serve the people is easy to see if you look at it. We’re supposed to be able to voice our concerns to these elected officials but try writing some letters to them and you’ll find out pretty quickly who the politicians work for and listen to. They always go with whoever can give them the most money. There’s a really good video on youtube right now. There’s a lot of good videos on yotube actually. But this one really stands out to me more than a lot of others have over the years. And its not one you can really “debunk” either. Its called “JFK to 9/11 – Everything’s a Rich Mans Trick”. I would encourage everyone to take the time to watch that video and pay close attention to it because its so true its almost unbelievable. If you’ll take the three and half hours to watch it we will be very enlightened by it. I know that’s a long video and it hard to get anyone to watch it, but the few people I have convinced to watch it end up agreeing with it in the end just because it all makes such logical sense. We have been taken over by a shadow government of rich men. I wish it was something that was required of everyone to watch. I think if enough people watched it we would all have to start asking questions and demanding answers. Not all hope has disappeared just yet, but we’re very close now.

This is just a part of what caused me to drink so much. Its a BIG part of why I used to stay hammered all of the time. But its also part of why I quit drinking. Nobody is going to listen to a drunk when it comes to these subjects. Most probably are’t going to listen to an alcoholic about much of anything. But maybe, just maybe, people might listen to someone sober and sane  though. Its our only chance as I see it. People need to wake up ad start seeing things for what they are. So please, good people out there. Please watch this video. You don’t have to watch it all in one setting. There’s a pause button on these videos. You don’t even have to watch it all at once. Just please watch it.  My sleep meds have just about got me going down for the count now. Please watch it. Until next time …. good night people, and God Speed to everyone,

Another Night Another Meeting

I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight just knowing my counselor was going to be there. I went there for two reasons actually. I was suppose to call my sponsor yesterday but neither number I had for him worked. It turned out that whoever made the list got the numbers wrong for him. I’m sure he’ll be on her ass about that first thing tomorrow haha. He’s a bit of a curmudgeon, but he’s pretty cool in his own special way. My substance abuse counselor said I had to have a sponsor by the halfway mark through the program. When he first told me that I thought to myself, “I don’t need a sponsor, I should BE a sponsor.” Since there’s very few people at these meetings I think could qualify to be a sponsor for me I just hit the guy in charge up. He’s been sober 18 years now so he’s got a few miles on me in the sober department. I just hope he’s not a dick and tries to make me call him every day and give me an assignment or something. I don’t think he will, but you never know. I’ve been told he’s a tough one. I believe it too just judging by the way he talks at the meetings.

I also wanted to confront this counselor of mine and tell him to knock the bullshit off with me. I’m not like most of the people he deals with every day. I’m educated and I’m not hooked on drugs. I never have been. I know, alcohol is technically a drug but its a far cry from meth. I know that because I’ve tried it myself. More times than I should have actually. I knew it wasn’t for me the first time I ever tried it. It screwed up my weed buzz lol. I could drink a case of beer and not even feel drunk when I was on that shit too. Nope, I stuck with my beer and weed instead. That didn’t turn out too well either though. I had to learn my lesson the hard way like everything else I’ve ever learned. Well, Mr Counselor guy didn’t show up tonight. But I got the correct phone numbers for my sponsor. I think he was going to bitch at me for not calling him yesterday but I headed him off at the pass when I whipped out the contact sheet and showed it to him.

I still don’t know how this is all going to turn out with my substance abuse program and getting my license back. And I honestly don’t give a damn. If it brings the guy some joy in preventing me from getting my license back I’ve got a surprise for him. He better hope it doesn’t turn out that way though. If he knew what I had in mind he would probably give me my certificate early and hope to God he never has to see me again. If he wants to play hard ass with me I’ll make sure he starts getting drug tested himself on a regular basis. I know who to call to make that happen. I’ve already gotten the entire staff into trouble once before. That was a pure accident though. I didn’t mean to get anyone in trouble. I owed a little money to them and called the billing office one day to let them know I was going to send them a check for the full balance on my bill after getting a crappy letter from them for not making a payment in a timely manner. I told the lady I was sorry but nobody had hit me up for money in a while and I have a bad memory. They say I have early onset dementia that was probably caused when I knocked a hole in my head during my motorcycle wreck. I believe it too. I have a hard time with short term memory. I have to write everything on a calendar when it comes to appointments. I also pin my appointment slips to a cork board next to my desk so I have to look at them every day.

The NA meetings have some different people in them than the AA meetings. Some of these people go to both too. Since our counselor always took us to the NA meetings for part of our Tuesday night classes I got to know some of them. There’s a few people in there I really like too. Some of the people at those meetings are only there to get a piece of paper signed for the judge. But some of them are there on their own free will too. I have to respect that. I’m impressed by them too. Those are the ones who are trying. They also make me feel like I should stick around. I know that somewhere in me I’ve got something for them. I’ve got a hell of a testimony in me, that’s for sure. Anyone who knows me very well knows I’m lucky to be alive and that I’m able to even walk. I wasn’t supposed to make it according to the air ambulance crew who took me for a ride to the hospital that night.

The fact that I was able to stand on a stage and play guitar with my band at a fundraiser for one of those crew members a few years later still kinda trips me out. I’ve been paying it back and paying it forward for a few years now. That makes me feel pretty good too. I’ve been in on raising tens of thousands of dollars for charity and fundraisers so far with my band. I just hope we can recover from our band member losses and get back to it soon. Who knows? Maybe they’ll have a change of heart and come back eventually too. They just got burned out from doing it so much I think.

Once you get that bug in you its hard to shake for some reason. I know a lot of people dream about being in a band and playing on stage to a bunch of people. I used to do it too when I was a kid. I just stuck with it long enough to finally make it happen. I’ve learned a lot from my friend up east, near Bean town. You can do just about anything you set your mind to. You just have to have a strong enough will and desire to make it happen. Its easier said than done, no doubt about it. But if you work hard at it and don’t give up you can do it. Of course with a band you also have to have a little bit of talent, but you have to have a lot more willpower. That applies to anything you want to do in life.

I’m grateful to have a friend like I have in Massachusetts. That dude is one smart cookie! We go back a ways too. Funny thing about it is I have yet to meet him face to face. We’ve talked about maybe meeting in Memphis one of these days and hanging out at some blues music venues. He’s into jazz and I’m into blues based rock, but we’re both into the blues. I hope we do get a chance one of these days to meet in person. We’ve talked a lot of times on the phone and we exchange emails fairly regular. Both of us have had near death experiences too. The guy is like the big brother I never had. I’m the oldest of four siblings so I never had a big brother, but I adopted one in him. We’ve been through a lot over the years too. We even had a blog talk radio show for a little while.

I was going to call him tonight after I got home from the meeting but I got in late and we’ve both got a busy week ahead of us, so I’ll probably hold off on calling him until this weekend. He’s got three blogs of his own and grandchildren and all kinds of things that keep him busy. I’ve got my band and all kinds of my own crap going on right now too. I’ve got this new blog now too. Its good for venting my frustrations whether anyone reads it or not. Its just a good way to clear my system of pent up anger and frustration. Self therapy ……

It sure beats the hell out of seroquel.

Peace!

Figuring Out What’s Important

I’ve been asking myself lately: “What’s the most important thing to you?”

Yesterday I had to go with my ex wife (who I still love and choose to live with) to an appointment for some more tests. After over three years of testing and doctors appointments there is still no diagnosis on her, but they’re getting closer I believe. I live in such a small town that quality healthcare isn’t easily found. We’ve been traveling halfway across the state lately to try and figure out what is wrong with her. I won’t get into all the details, but they are leaning toward MS as a diagnosis.

Yesterdays trip caused me to have to cancel my appointment with my nemesis, the substance abuse counselor. He’s supposed to call me today to reschedule my appointment. I’m not holding my breath while waiting on him though. I’ve got a feeling he won’t call me. He thinks he has me by the balls because he holds the key to me getting my drivers license back. What he doesn’t realize is that getting my drivers license isn’t all that important to me. I don’t “drive” anyway. I travel.

I rarely leave the property as it is. I only travel to doctors appointments and to the store for necessities a couple of times a month. When I do travel its usually as a passenger. My number one priority is my family and their well being. Everything else takes a back seat to that. I was seeing a therapist quarterly before this substance abuse program interrupted my life. I’m ready to stop seeing the therapist now too. I’m a little pissed off at her actually. I had an appointment with her last month, and when I showed up for it I found out they had cancelled it. I never did get an acceptable answer as to why the appointment was cancelled. All I got was a “maybe its because you’re in this program and she didn’t feel you needed to see her.”  So I drove all the way up there for nothing in other words. I could have saved the gas and the risk of being caught “driving” without a license if they had notified me of this cancellation.

In fact, this whole program has put me at great risk of being caught “driving” without a license four days a week for over six weeks now. Without this program I wouldn’t be risking “driving without a license” charges being filed against me in the slight chance that I may have been caught. I’ve managed just fine without a license for over six years now. I was only trying to get a license to keep from being ticketed by the revenue officers in the event that I was pulled over for some reason. There’s always the possibility of being in a traffic accident. On the rare occasion that I do travel, I try to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not pulled over. I don’t travel above the posted speed limits, and I make sure I come to a complete stop at stop signs and traffic lights. In other words, I “obey” the rules of the road.

I was thinking about continuing attending the AA meetings after getting my license. Now I’m not so sure about that. It seems my nemesis has been talking behind my back to the leadership of AA/NA. I won’t get into the details about why I think that, but I’m pretty positive that has been taking place. Now I’m rethinking the whole damn thing. I’m very suspicious of the whole thing now. Lets just say that the PTB have one hell of a powerful network going on. Everything is so hard wired in this system that even the handlers are not aware of their own participation in it.

And that’s about all I’ve got to say about that right now.

Triggers

This substance abuse counselor I’ve been stuck with for a little over six weeks now can really be an asshole at times. He told the class one night that as much as he likes country music he has to change the channel sometimes because a lot of those songs are about drinking and doing drugs and they serve as a trigger for him. Really? And this guy is a substance abuse counselor?  How weak minded is that?

I’m not denying the phenomenon at all. But for a drug counselor to be so weak minded and claim sobriety for 5 years I’m calling bullshit. I’m really starting to think this guy has never been much of an addict to begin with. Some of the stories he tells are just too hard to believe even for a person who’s brain has been fried by drugs for twenty years. That’s just how long he claims he was an addict too. Funny, most every meth addict I’ve ever met was missing most if not all of their teeth. Everyone has seen the “faces of meth” I believe. This guy is 40 and doesn’t look a day over 35. If even that old. And he’s got some pretty damn good teeth for someone who was a meth addict for 20 years. Meth addicts, even recovering meth addicts don’t make the deans list in college. This guy must be a pretty special case.

He plays these videos of this shill comedian who makes fun of addicts and talks about using all kinds of drugs, yet he jumped all over a guys ass last night in our meeting for talking about the same shit. This motherfucker provides the class with “triggers” every damn day! I’m sorry to anyone who’s in recovery that might happen to read this, but if things like that “trigger” you and make you want to use drugs or get drunk, you’ve got a lot of work to do on yourself. And you sure as hell might want to stay away from a program like this one, because that’s the only fucking thing they talk about. The whole fucking program is counter productive in my opinion. I’m glad I waited 5 years to take this class or I might be drinking again.

Anyway ….. I just had to burp that out. Until the next time I’m pissed off …….

Peace out …..

Tools Everywhere

You can’t escape from this sorry worthless fucking system without running into tools of “the system” damn near every day of your life. I know I’ve posted about being in this recovery program, and to be honest, its about to drive me crazy if I’m not that way already. There I go being honest again. I wonder what will happen as a result of this post? Yes its really THAT bad. But the best part of it is that I don’t want to get drunk over it, fuck that! Alcoholism ruined my whole fucking life!! For anyone out there struggling with alcoholism take it from me, get the fuck off that bad habit or you could end up like me, crippled for life. I still hear that neurologist’s words over and over and they haunt me. “You’re going to be in pain for the rest of your life”. And he was right.

For whatever reason, I think because I got sick of people telling me “don’t get caught driving without a license”, I decided to try and get it reinstated. I knew I would have to attend a class or two when I got a DUI because I had gotten one before. Things have sure changed since those days though. This program I’m in is 12 weeks long! That’s three months out of your life going to 3 hour classes 3 times a week, and 2 one hour meetings a week. Its not all that bad but our counselor is kind of a dick. He’s a regular fucking tool of this system of slavery. I haven’t made up my mind just yet, but I’m close to saying “fuck it”. I really don’t care that much if I do have a drivers license. I don’t have to drive. Well, until this program came up that is. Now I’m on the roads 4 days a week taking a chance on getting busted and going to jail for ten days trying to get back something I don’t even need.

I’ve known for several years that you’re not “legally required” to have a drivers license unless you’re engaged in driving for commercial purposes. Its a constitutional right to be free to travel. The only problem is, you’re going to run into trouble when you get pulled over by the police and don’t have one. And then you’re going to have to go to court where they fly their gold fringed pirate flag and the judge is going to take some money from you. That’s what they do. Generate revenue. That’s what cops do too. Not to say that’s the ONLY thing they do, don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of stupid and mentally ill people out there that are going to hurt someone else. That’s just a given for whatever reasons. If every sane person out there was armed it might be a little different. But we would probably still need police? I know …. that probably sounds like bullshit to a few people. It even does to me a lot of times.

This counselor will throw a drug test on you even if you tell him you won’t pass it. Its wasteful spending, but he probably doesn’t see that since he’s so caught up in the system that he’s a brainwashed tool OF the system. I sat and watched him the other night during class while he was playing a “comedy” video for us. He was totally fucking mesmerized by this comedian. I put comedy into quotations because to be honest, the guy isn’t very funny. I suspect him too of possibly being another tool. He might be on the up and up though. This “comedian” I’m talking about is Mark Lundholm. Or at least that’s his stage name. You can’t find out very much information on the guy for someone who’s been a “comedian” for twenty years. He doesn’t even have a wikipedia page. That’s part of why I suspect him of being a tool.

For you spooks who are looking at my blog, don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT HATE this counselor of the program. If I did I would post his personal information on this blog. Don’t think I haven’t been taking notes. That’s not what this angry post (or entire blog) is about. This blog is only here for me to vent to the world. Well, really just a very good friend (which reminds me I need to check my email) right now according to the view count lol. But that’s okay too, I just need to get it out of my system. I’ve come to learn that honesty sometimes brings trouble on you. Most people hate the truth for some reason. I’ve always wanted to know the truth for as long as I can remember. And who knows, I may get pulled over the next time i go to a meeting just for writing this blog post. That’s how embedded these tools of the system are.

I was honest tonight during the meeting and sure enough, I knew it would happen. He pulled a random drug test on everyone right at time to go home. I’m not positive it was because of me, but I do suspect it. I told the group I was thinking about quitting the program. He probably took that as a sign I wasn’t clean and sober and had to test everyone to make it look legitimate on himself. He stopped one guy from talking tonight because he claimed the guy was providing triggers for people. He told the class the other night that some country music songs actually provided him with triggers. Yes, he’s that weak minded if he’s telling the truth. And he’s a substance abuse counselor? He got fucking pissed the other night when a guy in the class asked him if he ever got drug tested. I’ve been wondering that from the get go myself. And just as I suspected, he hasn’t been drug tested even once since he’s had the job. And I’m not the only person in the class that suspects him of still using drugs. In fact more than one other person in the class has said something about it. Not in front of him of course.

I told myself today I was going to quit the class if I went up there and told them I was thinking about quitting and then have him pull a drug test on me. I figured if I said that, that’s exactly what he would do. And sure enough, that’s just what he did. Nobody can get it through their thick skulls that driving there 4 days a week takes a toll on me, knowing I’m going to jail if I get caught. All for trying to get back a drivers license that I really don’t need. Until this class came up I was only driving once or twice a month, and that’s only because I don’t want to trouble anyone by asking them to give me a ride when I went to pay bills or go to my doctors appointment once a month. Other than that I rarely leave the house and property. And that’s just because I’m so fucking fed up with the matrix and all the fucking zombies who are a part of it. You can’t even tell a friend the truth about television in most cases. Everyone who watches television very much is drenched in Kool-Aid these days

“Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.[1][2] The FBI’s Hostage Barricade Database System shows that roughly eight percent of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome.[3]

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”[4] One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual’s response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat.[5]”

Eight percent MY ASS!! …… Damn near the whole fucking world suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. They just don’t see it. There are a few people I know that see it. Actually only one person I know, knows it, come to think of it. I’m sure there’s a handful of others out there that see it. I watch some of them’s youtube videos and read their blogs. The one’s of us who do see it and are wide awake are far outnumbered by the zombies and tools though.

I’ve Been sober since October 31st of 2010. I was sober just over a year before that night. If not for that one time I could honestly say I’ve been sober for over 6 years now. I’m proud of myself for getting sober too, but I don’t brag about it or hardly ever even talk about it. And when I say “sober” I mean NOT DRUNK. I have on a few occasions drank a beer here and there just to see if I could walk away from it after drinking one beer. And sure enough, I can do it. I don’t wake up the next day or week or month wanting to go get some beer. It never even crosses my mind to go buy any beer anymore. I’ve got a permanent chronic reminder of what getting drunk can do to you. Especially if you drive while drunk.

There’s not a whole lot of things I hate. But when I’m being honest with someone and they show me signs that they don’t believe me? That they think I’m lying? Well, I fucking absolutely HATE that shit. This guy drug tested me on October 10th and I told him I was going to be positive for weed and I told him why and when the last day I smoked any was. I’ve told him all along that I’m not an everyday user or even a once a week user most of the time. I do it to relieve pain when I do get an opportunity to smoke some and I’m in abnormally high pain. Even then, its only when I run across someone that offers me some, because I can’t afford to buy it anymore thanks to the price hike its taken since all these states have legalized it. I understand if you have a medical card you get it for half price but even at half price its still 200 dollars or more for an ounce of it. And that’s just the cheapest stuff.

After that drug test on the tenth he gave me another one five days later, knowing I would most likely fail it too. I can’t piss on command either. My bladder suffered some damage when I had my motorcycle wreck and I have no push muscles left anymore. Whenever I have to urinate I just have to stand there and let gravity do the job for me. Its not so bad, I’m not complaining because of that either. In fact, when I was in the hospital in a coma for three weeks the doctors mentioned to my family the chances that I may need a colostomy bag and catheters for the rest of my life. I got lucky there and it turned out that I was able to function. My medical records from that motorcycle accident are well over 600 pages long plus the xrays and CT scans. I think it might have been easier to list what wasn’t wrong with me at the time. It was really that bad.

When you enter this program they give you a contract to sign. The contract states that you are not allowed to have certain drugs in your system or you will be automatically disqualified from the program if you can’t pass the test. Possibly even before the end of the course depending on the individual. That contract listed several drugs that I am taking by prescription. I can’t not take those drugs either, so I’ll never test clean on the drug test. I used a highlight marker on the drugs I am taking before I signed the contract because they are aware of it and are willing to bend the rules for me. Its a money thing for them I’m sure. They claim they are a non profit corporation, but a lot of us know what that really means. The CEO and other officers and employees get a bonus if any profits are made. Perhaps even a raise too depending on how well the business is growing.

I explained that to my counselor one day after telling him “bullshit, there’s no such thing as a non profit corporation”. That pissed him off of course. I know a lot of things I’m not supposed to know. Sometimes I call it out and sometimes I just keep quiet. Usually when I do call someone on their bullshit I get backlash out of it. I know enough to know its coming, but I still like to figuratively rub their faces in their own bullshit sometimes. Usually when I’m in a bad mood already. I’ve been in a bad mood for 6 weeks now too. Even if I do stick it out the other six weeks I’ve still got another hoop to jump through for the state. Now I’ve got to go sit through a MADD class for a few hours. Its only ten dollars, but its ten times as far away as the place I’m already driving to illegally. And I don’t know if I can arrange a ride for myself either. Hell, I don’t have a sponsor for this program either. The ones who are capable of being a sponsor are already being a sponsor for someone else too. I’d hate to ask them to take on another one, even though I have no plans of calling them and bugging them everyday. I already know the 12 steps bullshit. This ain’t my first rodeo with alcoholics anonymous. I could BE a sponsor in all reality.

This counselor is trying to get me clean and sober when I’ve already been that way for several years. I don’t know how this dude made the deans list last year. Like another guy told me the other day “its who you know and who you blow”. He probably did get good grades though. Which only makes me question his story of being an addict for 20 years. If you use meth for 20 years chances are good that you’re going to suffer some brain damage from it. His addiction story don’t add up either for a person who’s only 40 years old. Just like the “comedian” he hero worships and wants to be like.

I don’t know what to do about all this shit. I guess I’ll think on it for a few days before I decide on anything. I’ve got 5 days until my next appointment with him and I know he’s going to hit me up for some piss. It should be clean of THC but it won’t for several of the other drugs on the banned list. Is this guy just wasting my time? I kind of wonder if he wasn’t pulling that random tonight so he could kick me out if I didn’t piss clean for him. I didn’t have to pee, so he gave me an alcohol swap test instead and I passed it like I have every time he’s given me one. If this guy is everything he says he is, he’s most likely a Stockholm Syndrome victim. Or he found out a smart way to keep using drugs by hiding behind a drug counselors position.

Either way, whether he knows it or not he’s a tool for the powers that be.

Later folks!