I think I know why these meeting work well if you stick with them. They keep you tied up doing so much that you don’t have time to get drunk lol. The more I go the more regulars show up. I see some people that might just come once a week or maybe every other week. Most of the old timers seem to be pretty cool. I’m not that far behind some of them in age. I’ve had a few of the members hit me up after the meetings just to shoot the breeze. So far most of them just ask me how I managed to stay sober so long. I feel like I have to be careful what I say to them because I don’t want them to drop out of the program thinking I have some magic solution for them, because I don’t. I tried to quit drinking several times before I was able to give it up and it never worked.
The only thing I can think to say about it was that I had a horrible near death experience that I still have nightmares about sometimes. I also have a nice sized collection of steel rods and screws now that hold my spine together, although crooked. I guess I’m lucky they could even put me back together at all.
I feel kinda stupid sometimes going to these meetings too. Hell I’m on about five drugs anyway and one of them is something people are getting hooked on all over the damn country right now making it hard on people who need pain pills to get them. My first regular doctor had me on 10mg percocet and told me I should go to AA meetings because I was going to be on those for the rest of my life. ???? I honestly don’t get that. I definitely need the pain pills. I’ve tried my best to go without them and its not worth the pain. I’d rather die than be in that much pain all the time. I don’t feel like I’m hooked on them but yet I still can’t do without them. The only thing that’s ever made me totally pain free since I messed my back up was morphine and diludad. The morphine wasn’t bad because I could still function on it. The diludad just plain knocked my ass out and made me go to sleep as pain free as could be. But, you can’t be in the hospital all the time like that, so you’ve got to settle with what you can get between a doctor and a pharmacy.
My pills last me all month most all of the time. There are a few days here and there when I take a couple more than I should because of the weather. But there might also be a day here and there that I can go on less than my allowed amount. It usually evens out every month. I feel guilty in a way going to these meetings because of my pain killer usage. One thing I do want to be clear about though. I don’t take the pills to get high. I strictly use them to help kill some pain. I still live in a certain amount of pain though. I could get on something a lot stronger if I really wanted to but I choose to use the weakest thing I can get away with. When I first started taking pail pills I did get somewhat of a buzzed feeling from them, but not anymore. I don’t know how many I would have to take to actually get a buzz now but I imagine it would probably take me 5 or 6 pain pills to get a buzz if that’s what I was looking for. I’m very strict on myself about it all though and only take them as needed and as little as I can get away with. They still upset my stomach but nothing compared to percocet. I know a lot of pill heads have told me I was crazy for not getting something stronger, but I just figure they tell me that so they can try to talk me out of some. I already have enough people hitting me up for pain pills as it is. I try not to tell anyone of theses AA and NA people that I take them at all. But its not hard for them to figure it out if they see my x-rays. Anyone who sees them instantly knows that I must be on pain medication. That’s always their first reaction when they see my x-rays. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a set of x-rays like that on anyone, I’d know for sure they were on pain pills. Most people are just amazed that I can get around as good as I do when they see the damage done on my spine. They literally had to take my spinal cord out and lay it to the side to pick all the bone fragments out from the crushed vertebrae. I’m totally missing one of them altogether and my spine is fused on each side of that missing one. Its a bitch to bend over or even lean forward for over five minutes. When I was some dishes it usually takes me an hour or so just to do two sinks full of them. And then I have to rest a few hours afterwards.
Just taking a road trip for 3 to 4 hundred miles take a big toll on me. I have to stop at least every hour and walk a little bit. I can’t hardly make a 180 mile trip one way without stopping for a ten or fifteen minute walking/moving around break. And even today, over six years down the road I still can’t sleep in a regular bed. I sleep in a Lazy Boy recliner every night when I do sleep. That’s another thing I have major problems with, is sleeping. There’s lots of times I stay up 24-48 hours before I can go to sleep. Somewhere along the way and after my accident I developed sleep apnea and have to wear what I call my fighter pilots mask every time I sleep. It took me a couple of years just to find the right medications so I could maintain a halfway normal sleeping pattern and get a good nights rest. If not for the pain pills wearing off I might get even a little more sleep. But at least now I’m halfway close to normal as I can get with it.
It really pisses me off at the amount of people that will hit me up for pain pills. I’ve heard every excuse in the book from people over the years and its almost always someone you know was just wanting them to get a buzz. Back in the day I took some hydrocodone just to get high. I don’t like the high they give you and upset stomach that always goes with them. When you really and honestly need them for purposes of pain you can’t get high on them. I’m being totally honest here too. There’s no comparison to the effects of the drug between needing them and just wanting them. They are absolutely horrible for your health and can cause you all kinds of not so nice side effects. They damn sure aren’t good for your liver no matter what reason you take them for. For some pharmaceutical drugs the side effects are worse than the benefits of them. But that’s legal. Like cigarettes and booze.
In my opinion, and a well researched opinion too I might add. Marijuana is probably better for a person than pharmaceutical drugs for depression. Especially SSRI’s. I’m glad to see some of the major respected researchers in the mmedical world have actually started breaking the taboo about it and admitting that I can be a beneficial thing. I think it was the American cancer foundation that recently released some studies on marijuana and admitted that it really does kill some cancer sells and some 700 other medical uses. I got interested in that subject several years ago knowing deep down that it couldn’t be that bad for you. You actually have an endocannabinoid (EC) system in your brain. Everyone has them too. What other reason COULD they be there for? In laymen terms, it would seem to me that if we all have receptors in our brain for it, we’re probably supposed to be using it at least for medical purposes. I think of it as at least being mother natures antidepressant. And if it kills cancers cells, which is a proven fact now that its finally been acknowledged by the mainstream medical science community there’s got to be some validity to it. I know for a fact that certain strains of it make a good effective pain medication. And it natural. If you believe in God, you have to know that God put it here just like trees and plants that are food and medicines for all kinds of uses. I’ve heard some people of the religious persuasion admit to as much, but there’s a little ole legal issue with it still in several states still. More and more states are legalizing medical marijuana. They can’t all be dope head hippies Like the stereotype that’s been programmed into us for decades by the media.
William Randolph Hurst of Hurst publications was mostly responsible for “reefer madness” the movie that totally demonized marijuana just it get it illegal because it threatened the paper industry that Hust was so heavily invested in back then. He wanted it outlawed because he had a monopoly on the wood/paper industry back in those days. It doesn’t take a genius or even a medical expert to figure that out. Just a little research will show anyone that was the case behind it being illegal. The oil and gas industry felt threatened by it too. It can replace the wood we use for paper easily. You can even get oil from the seeds of the hemp plant and make fuel to run a car off of. Not only that. Henry Ford made a car almost entirely out of hemp that even ran on hemp oil. Its a sustainable product too. You can grow way more hemp (every year) on the same amount of land that it takes trees to mature enough to get one use out of before they have to replant and wait another several years to harvest. Hemp is a crop that can be grown every year instead of twenty or more years on the same amount of land. It only make economical sense and a “green” technological sense that we should be using it over oil, whick will eventually run out on us. According to most experts in the oil industry we have already hit peak oil production and production is on the downswing from here on out. Meaning its only going to get more and more expensive until the little guy is not going to be able to afford it soon. Yes, its dropped in price recently. But that just because the powers that be are using it as a weapon and domination tool right now, along with their Rothschilds fractional reserve fiat currency banking system to rely’s upon debt to hold up the value behind our currency. We were taken off the gold standard years ago because there’s not enough gold in the world to cover the cash currency floating around in our fake economy. Its not sustainable. Eventually the credit card people catch up to you with such a debt that it can be impossible to pay off eventually. Just like out “national debt”. Its all “on the credit card” right now and we can’t even keep up with the interest payments. That’s why the government keeps having to raise the debt ceiling on us.
I know this has very little to do with AA at this point of my post. But like a lot of things, a lot of our biggest problems today are directly due to debt and the inability to sustain our way of life. Eventually its all going to come crashing down on us and make the great depression look like good times compared to what’s ahead of us. Knowing all of this contributed to my alcoholism a great deal I think. I’ve thought for a long time now that we are doomed to financial ruin as things are. And the doom of it when you get your eyes open enough to see it make things worse. A lot of people know this stuff these days and I’m sure its contributed greatly to addiction. People use to mask and hide their pain because we don’t know what to do about this inevitability.
For distraction they use the old bread and circus trick to keep us pacified and keep us from banding together to demand solutions. Mass media is mass indoctrination anymore. A quick study on Edward Bernays will tell you quite a bit about that. They’ve got us believing a lot of outright lies anymore. A lot of people are thinking they’re watching the news anymore when all it really is is an opinion show. Some people get paid a lot of money to sell us lies and propaganda. Its always corporate sponsored too. Especially by corporation that make lots of money from our gullibility and approval of their system that keeps them rich and us poor.
I’ve heard it so many times for people when you explain things to them and they end up admitting its true. That we are run by psychopaths. They all say the same thing after admitting you’re right. “But I’m only one person, there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing we can do about it.” If everyone of those people got together and demanded change, we’d have change in no time. A national strike would get their attention pretty fast. Ghandi proved that a long time ago. Peaceful resistance is the ultimate power we have as a collective. They can’t put everyone in jail or it would cause the same effect as a national strike.
Too many people are scared of the government and that’s wrong. We should be scared of out government. They’re supposed to be working FOR us. The fact that none of them truly serve the people is easy to see if you look at it. We’re supposed to be able to voice our concerns to these elected officials but try writing some letters to them and you’ll find out pretty quickly who the politicians work for and listen to. They always go with whoever can give them the most money. There’s a really good video on youtube right now. There’s a lot of good videos on yotube actually. But this one really stands out to me more than a lot of others have over the years. And its not one you can really “debunk” either. Its called “JFK to 9/11 – Everything’s a Rich Mans Trick”. I would encourage everyone to take the time to watch that video and pay close attention to it because its so true its almost unbelievable. If you’ll take the three and half hours to watch it we will be very enlightened by it. I know that’s a long video and it hard to get anyone to watch it, but the few people I have convinced to watch it end up agreeing with it in the end just because it all makes such logical sense. We have been taken over by a shadow government of rich men. I wish it was something that was required of everyone to watch. I think if enough people watched it we would all have to start asking questions and demanding answers. Not all hope has disappeared just yet, but we’re very close now.
This is just a part of what caused me to drink so much. Its a BIG part of why I used to stay hammered all of the time. But its also part of why I quit drinking. Nobody is going to listen to a drunk when it comes to these subjects. Most probably are’t going to listen to an alcoholic about much of anything. But maybe, just maybe, people might listen to someone sober and sane though. Its our only chance as I see it. People need to wake up ad start seeing things for what they are. So please, good people out there. Please watch this video. You don’t have to watch it all in one setting. There’s a pause button on these videos. You don’t even have to watch it all at once. Just please watch it. My sleep meds have just about got me going down for the count now. Please watch it. Until next time …. good night people, and God Speed to everyone,