Things That Drive Me Nuts

There’s a lot of things that drives me nuts so to speak, same as anyone else I suppose. But one thing that really gets to me is seeing someone having a problem and not being able to help. Its ten times worse when its a person of the opposite sex because I know what they’re thinking and its usually wrong. I try to be helpful to everyone I see needing it, whether its opening a door for some lady at the store or giving a guy a couple of dollars to get something to drink or eat. The latter of that just happened last Saturday night on my way home from practice. I would have given him a ride home too if someone else hadn’t already said they would. He had car trouble and had walked a long way into town and had a long way to go still to get home. He was offering to put 15 dollars worth of gas into my truck but I wouldn’t have taken it. All he had was some kind of card to use for the gas. I gave him the two bucks I had in my pocket to get him something to drink and another guy gave him a ride.

Some people would have thought that guy was just pan handling or begging or whatever but I could tell he was sincere. He felt ashamed or something that he was asking for help. You could see it all over him plain as day. I hope that other guy didn’t take the 15 dollars worth of gas unless he really needed it. Some people would have jumped at fifteen bucks worth of gas out of greed. It wouldn’t have been more than ten miles out of my way.

They say people come into your life or you meet them for a reason. I hate it when I don’t know the reason though hahaha. Some things are not meant to be either. Remember to flush please, and thanks for the memories!

Peace!

Its Been A while

I’ve got so much built up to say I don’t know where to begin. I doubt I have the go go juice to write everything in one shot. My ass has been busy going to meetings all last week and even last Saturday. The NA group sponsored a cookout at the lake and I was the last person to leave and one of the first to show up. A lot of people showed up for it too. It was alright, nothing really special. There is a girl in the NA group I’d like to get to know better and pick her brain a little, but she’s a tuff nut to crack. There’s another girl in that class/meetings that I think sees what I’m seeing too. Its kinda spooky to ask some questions of other people because I’m never sure who’s who around here.

I went to Sunday nights meeting a little early and another guy was outside smoking so I joined him and we talked about all our DUI’s and court fines etc,. Just regular small talk kind of stuff, and one of the group leaders came out and see who was talking outside the door because they had heard us talking from inside. They do leave the door halfway open until the meeting starts..

My wife/ex-wife came by the cookout and stayed no more than ten minutes. She got the creeps and hauled ass from there. Everyone was staring at her like “who the fuck is this?” my son felt it too. Later on that night she told me she felt like she’d walked up on a cult meeting. That made about the fourth time I’ve heard these organizations referred to as cults just recently. I’d heard the same several years ago when I was attending some meetings in another town away from here a ways. That group told me my home town group was more of a reserved for the higher ups type of people like business owners and it was “cultish”. Of course almost all the AA members there were meth addicts, so I took it with a grain of salt. I didn’t get enough AA meetings under my belt to get a feel for it back then. I’ve got a feel for it now for sure. Red flags are flying everywhere lately.

What first struck me hardest about this experience was this insistence on “admitting to yourself that you are powerless over your addiction”. That’s total bullshit and I will never “admit” something as stupid as that. I am the ONLY fucking person powerful enough to make myself stop drinking, and I have. I was doing just fine thank you in my sobriety when this “religious indoctrination program” came along. They claim they’re not a religious organization, they’re “spiritual”. According to them. Funny how there’s a prayer at the beginning and end of every meeting when its not supposed to be religious. After the last prayer they continue to hold hands and chat in unison; “keep coming back ’cause it works if you work it (12 steps) and you die if you don’t, believe That”

So I’m going to die now if I don’t keep coming to the meetings? Is that some kind of a veiled threat?  Some Hispanic couple was there recently and had asked about where they could get the AA Big Book in Spanish. Not a damn one of the members had a clue. I told them they could possibly read it on the internet if they had internet access. They do, so I went home that night and got on aa’s own website where you can read the book for free, buy a hard copy, or download it on a Kindle and a couple other reader devices. BTW …. the grand pubah dude didn’t like me talking about “reading for free” until I told him it was on AA’s own website. Looking out for AA funding I suppose. They all ended up thanking me before it was all said and done though. Especially the totally freaking hottt Hispanic lady who thanked me for printing out all the info for them in Spanish using google translate (lol).

It don’t hurt to be helpful of others AND get to look at pretty woman too right? It bothered me that mr grand pubah guy was more concerned with the organization getting some money than he was of being helpful to these people. As tight as money is these days there’s no reason for anyone to buy the book when you can read it online for free. Especially if you have to means (debit or credit card) to purchase something online. Her husband is trying to get his citizenship papers and they are afraid his dui might have messed that up or set it back for them. I hope it works out alright for them. They even bring their children to the meetings. They may even have to use the computer at the library to read it. Lots of people around here can’t afford a 3 hundred dollar laptop, much less the monthly bill that goes with internet service. I have seen quite a few people using laptops at the laundry mat because of the free wi-fi there.

But back to the juicy shit … well not just yet anyway. I still have some verification’s to work on before I spill the beans. My sponsor is supposed to be bringing me a workbook so I can “start workin those steps” ….. Come on, is that not some straight up indoctrination shit? This is where they want to fill out a notebook with all your “confessions” and whatever else. They seem to be very curious about peoples sex lives on all these worksheets from the class I still haven’t completed. All the questions are set up specifically for people IN their addictions. I’m in recovery and I have been for over six years now. I didn’t go to even one AA meeting before I sobered up. This program has all come late for me. I’m in other places now. I’ve found alternative things to do that are not harmful and destructive although some will argue that I’m knocking on AA. I’m trying my best to NOT do that, but I’ve also got to point out the similarities with others stories.

What I get from it is a feeling that my problems aren’t so bad after all. I’m not necessarily saying I’m better or worse off than anyone else. Everyone Has Problems! We all find the commonality of that for sure. Everyone there has been in front of a judge or two or maybe even twenty.  They can claim non religious all they want, but its a meeting of people, which could be called of a spiritual or religious nature, a gathering of people, and reciting prayers as official opening and closings of a meetings.

This is really some fucked up information on the group. I’m almost scared to share some of it right now without checking it out good first. This can literally blow that whole organization out of the water and expose it for what it is. I’ve seen all I need to see to be honest. It reeks strongly of a cult, and I have studied cults in depth for several years. I wish my buddy up Boston way could be a little mouse in my pocket during all these meetings. I have no doubt he would have caught on by the first meeting. I’ve seen nothing but red flags now when I go to meetings and I’m about to head to one right now.

You can find the one of the best websites on it @ http://www.orange-papers.org/

Get ready to do some serious reading though. There’s a lot to take in and I’ve been onto it for two days reading and even printing things. They’ve even got a copy of Bill W’s.  Last Will and Testimony on there that’s pretty interesting. He supposedly left stock share to his favorite mistress. There’s some serious accusations flaying around to that seem to have validity to them.

Always be careful what you look for when you’re out there “truth seeking”. Sometimes you get what you ask for and its nothing like you thought. Its ten times worse than it appears at least. I feel like the guy in the movie, They Live. with the magic sunglasses that see right through bullshit.

For anyone suffering from an addiction right now I would say to look deep within yourself. Not just one hour or one day or maybe a month or two and to focus on something positive and KNOW that you don’t HAVE TO make that “bad choice”. Its alright to make the good choice too. Find that “Higher Brain” and stop listening to the lizaed brain so much. He or she always has something that’s going to get you into some kind of trouble. Find something else that gets you that high feeling without using a chemical substance to get that. Your Lizard Brain, that little demon guy from the cartoons sitting on your shoulder telling you to get high is your lizard brain or lower brain (more primitive). Your higher conscious brain is the one that’s your smarter and more powerful brain. Which means you can slap that little cartoon devil right off your shoulder any time you want to. IF you want to. That is your choice. Only you can stop you from drinking and drugs.

Read those words carefully, maybe twice, and then ponder this shit for a while.

Peace Folks!! All ‘Ya Need is Love

PS ….. I may write a blurb after tonight’s NA meeting.

Another Day

Here it is Thursday already. The week is flying by fast for me this week. Since Sunday I have made it to 5 meetings when you add them all up. One girl got her certificate this week and everyone was proud of her for earning that. I got my 30 day medal/chip thing Wednesday night during the AA meeting for not drinking one drop for a whole 30 days. I’ve been in recovery now for over 6 years now but my recent go around with AA and NA have only been with me for 6 or so weeks now. I’ve been to AA before and am familiar with it. I’m not necessarily in that much need of it but I do like the people there and I’m going to continue on going even after my program ends. Who knows, I might end up helping someone and that’s a good enough reason to stick around.

Somebody from AA will read that and say I’m one of those “in denial” people lol. I’ve done a pretty damn good job at staying sober all on my own for over six years now. I wouldn’t knock the program though because it does work for a lot of people. A lot of people chose to keep it a regular part of their life for the rest of their life. And that’s absolutely fantastic. Whatever it takes to keep a person sober is what they should be doing. Addiction is a motherfucker and it will bitch slap you all over the place if you let it. And when you’re in your addiction you WILL let it slap you around.

I’m still reading my AA Big Book every day. I try to get a chapter a day read with that book. Of course I read a lot every day. I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire with book. Its not uncommon for me to be reading 2 or 3 books at the same time plus articles and essays on the internet. Not to mention some of the e-books I have collected over the years. I could make a small library jealous of my book collection. Its nearly a fire hazard in itself, except books don’t burn real easily, thankfully. And I do have a couple books that have been on fire before. Luckily they’re in good shape and readable still.

That’s about all I got for now. Gotta let the dog out so she can make her rounds before hitting the recliner for the night.

Take care …. and tell someone you love ’em today.

Monday

Hey ‘mon its another day. Another weekend in the books and another no show for a singer, bass player, and drummer. I don’t know what’s up with these guys, I guess they’re not as serious as my friend and I. We got together Saturday night and practiced for about 7 hours without the rest of the band anyway. We got bored enough I guess that I sang a few songs myself. I’m still not much on singing either. It took me a long time to ever get to the point that I could sing and play guitar at the same time. But singing just isn’t what I’m into unless its just singing some back up. I don’t mind doing that at all, I’ve gotten comfortable with it over the years. My friend can’t sing and play at the same time at all. His timing goes to hell as soon as he starts singing, and I know exactly how that is. It took a lot of years practicing at it to ever pull it off and I still have a lot of trouble with some songs.

The phrasing is what kills me most. I’m still on with my timing but if I don’t know the song very well, meaning I’ve heard and played it  a lot, I have trouble. My memory isn’t what it used to be and I rely on a lyric sheet a lot when I do try to sing a song. Singing backup doesn’t take near the effort that singing lead does. We haven’t got enough years to waste on waiting to see if I could ever do it though. We need to find a singer who wants to perform as much as we do, even though we don’t want to play every weekend or anything. I’d like to play twice a month or so though.

I knew we’d never get anywhere with cops in our band. They just have the wrong work days and hours for being in a working band. It takes a lot of time off stage practicing and learning to be good enough to go on stage and perform at a level that people will actually pay money to be anywhere about you while you’re playing. Most people don’t have any idea of how much time and effort it takes to do that. And not everyone does have the time. Its a frustrating line of work to get into most of the time. The only real reward behind it is making people feel better and have a good time while you’re hopefully entertaining them. Anyone that wants to be a musician just to get rich should hang it up now because you’re guaranteed to have a bad time.

My weekend wasn’t bad despite the no shows. We got better at playing some songs at least. Last night, to top off a pretty decent weekend already, I got to talk to a good friend of mine. Its been a while since we had a good chat. I was giving him the lowdown on AA and he was catching me up a little with the outside world. I don’t mess around much with media anymore. Most of them are lying to us anyway. I learned  something new about the missile that hit the pentagon on 9/11. I haven’t done much investigating lately into that subject. We laughed about how we were both “experts” on that whole subject. And I guess we really are kind of experts on it. We were truthers before the word came into mainstream existence. We used to tag team the shills on a forum until it dried up and went away forever. That was weird how they managed to delete that whole thing from the internet archives. You might get lucky and find a bit and piece here and there of it, but probably nothing important. Somewhere along the way we posted too much information for uncle scam I guess.

Over all it was a pretty good weekend. I didn’t drink lol.

What Keeps Me Sober

Back X-Ray

That’s what keeps me sober. Its a painful reminder, and its impossible to forget. The side view looks a lot worse but I don’t have a picture of that on my computer. There are 12 screws, 3 inches long that keep those rods attached to my spine. That’s what keeps me from being confined to a wheelchair. The proper name for these are Harrington Rods.

From Wikipedia: The Harrington implant (or Harrington rod) is a stainless steelsurgical device. Historically, this rod was implanted along the spinal column to treat, among other conditions, a lateral or coronal-plane curvature of the spine, or scoliosis. Up to one million people had Harrington rods implanted for scoliosis between the early 1960s and the late 1990s.

That’s what holds me together these days. I’m amazed that I’m still able to strap a guitar on and play. Playing in a sitting position bothers me more than anything believe it or not. You have to lean forward a little when you’re sitting and playing and that’s more painful than any other way. I can go about 45 minutes on the average before I have to put it down and take a break.

I’m most likely going to get together with my guitar playing band mate tonight and do a little practicing before Saturdays big band rehearsal. Hopefully everyone can show up this weekend. The last three weekends have been a no show for a couple of the band members. I’m not sure this new lineup is ever going to work out. Its pretty hard getting five guys together on the same night to practice. Everyone has a family and a job that keeps us all pretty busy. No matter how it turns out I’ll still be there for practice every time because that’s just what keeps me going and gives me something enjoyable to live for.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share that with the world today in case anyone ever reads my blog and wonders “wtf is wrong with this dude.”

Peace!

Two Meetings In One Night

I think I know why these meeting work well if you stick with them. They keep you tied up doing so much that you don’t have time to get drunk lol. The more I go the more regulars show up. I see some people that might just come once a week or maybe every other week. Most of the old timers seem to be pretty cool. I’m not that far behind some of them in age. I’ve had a few of the members hit me up after the meetings just to shoot the breeze. So far most of them just ask me how I managed to stay sober so long. I feel like I have to be careful what I say to them because I don’t want them to drop out of the program thinking I have some magic solution for them, because I don’t. I tried to quit drinking several times before I was able to give it up and it never worked.

The only thing I can think to say about it was that I had a horrible near death experience that I still have nightmares about sometimes. I also have a nice sized collection of steel rods and screws now that hold my spine together, although crooked. I guess I’m lucky they could even put me back together at all.

I feel kinda stupid sometimes going to these meetings too. Hell I’m on about five drugs anyway and one of them is something people are getting hooked on all over the damn country right now making it hard on people who need pain pills to get them. My first regular doctor had me on 10mg percocet and told me I should go to AA meetings because I was going to be on those for the rest of my life. ???? I honestly don’t get that. I definitely need the pain pills. I’ve tried my best to go without them and its not worth the pain. I’d rather die than be in that much pain all the time. I don’t feel like I’m hooked on them but yet I still can’t do without them. The only thing that’s ever made me totally pain free since I messed my back up was morphine and diludad. The morphine wasn’t bad because I could still function on it. The diludad just plain knocked my ass out and made me go to sleep as pain free as could be. But, you can’t be in the hospital all the time like that, so you’ve got to settle with what you can get between a doctor and a pharmacy.

My pills last me all month most all of the time. There are a few days here and there when I take a couple more than I should because of the weather. But there might also be a day here and there that I can go on less than my allowed amount. It usually evens out every month. I feel guilty in a way going to these meetings because of my pain killer usage. One thing I do want to be clear about though. I don’t take the pills to get high. I strictly use them to help kill some pain. I still live in a certain amount of pain though. I could get on something a lot stronger if I really wanted to but I choose to use the weakest thing I can get away with. When I first started taking pail pills I did get somewhat of a buzzed feeling from them, but not anymore. I don’t know how many I would have to take to actually get a buzz now but I imagine it would probably take me 5 or 6 pain pills to get a buzz if that’s what I was looking for. I’m very strict on myself about it all though and only take them as needed and as little as I can get away with. They still upset my stomach but nothing compared to percocet. I know a lot of pill heads have told me I was crazy for not getting something stronger, but I just figure they tell me that so they can try to talk me out of some. I already have enough people hitting me up for pain pills as it is. I try not to tell anyone of theses AA and NA people that I take them at all. But its not hard for them to figure it out if they see my x-rays. Anyone who sees them instantly knows that I must be on pain medication. That’s always their first reaction when they see my x-rays. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a set of x-rays like that on anyone, I’d know for sure they were on pain pills. Most people are just amazed that I can get around as good as I do when they see the damage done on my spine. They literally had to take my spinal cord out and lay it to the side to pick all the bone fragments out from the crushed vertebrae. I’m totally missing one of them altogether and my spine is fused on each side of that missing one. Its a bitch to bend over or even lean forward for over five minutes. When I was some dishes it usually takes me an hour or so just to do two sinks full of them. And then I have to rest a few hours afterwards.

Just taking a road trip for 3 to 4 hundred miles take a big toll on me. I have to stop at least every hour and walk a little bit. I can’t hardly make a 180 mile trip one way without stopping for  a ten or fifteen minute walking/moving around break. And even today, over six years down the road I still can’t sleep in a regular bed. I sleep in a Lazy Boy recliner every night when I do sleep. That’s another thing I have major problems with, is sleeping. There’s lots of times I stay up 24-48 hours before I can go to sleep. Somewhere along the way and after my accident I developed sleep apnea and have to wear what I call my fighter pilots mask every time I sleep. It took me a couple of years just to find the right medications so I could maintain a halfway normal sleeping pattern and get a good nights rest. If not for the pain pills wearing off I might get even a little more sleep. But at least now I’m halfway close to normal as I can get with it.

It really pisses me off at the amount of people that will hit me up for pain pills. I’ve heard every excuse in the book from people over the years and its almost always someone you know was just wanting them to get a buzz. Back in the day I took some hydrocodone just to get high. I don’t like the high they give you and upset stomach that always goes with them. When you really and honestly need them for purposes of pain you can’t get high on them. I’m being totally honest here too. There’s no comparison to the effects of the drug between needing them and just wanting them. They are absolutely horrible for your health and can cause you all kinds of not so nice side effects. They damn sure aren’t good for your liver no matter what reason you take them for. For some pharmaceutical drugs the side effects are worse than the benefits of them. But that’s legal. Like cigarettes and booze.

In my opinion, and a well researched opinion too I might add. Marijuana is probably better for a person than pharmaceutical drugs for depression. Especially SSRI’s. I’m glad to see some of the major respected researchers in the mmedical world have actually started breaking the taboo about it and admitting that I can be a beneficial thing. I think it was the American cancer foundation that recently released some studies on marijuana and admitted that it really does kill some cancer sells and some 700 other medical uses.  I got interested in that subject several years ago knowing deep down that it couldn’t be that bad for you. You actually have an endocannabinoid (EC) system in your brain. Everyone has them too. What other reason COULD they be there for? In laymen terms, it would seem to me that if we all have receptors in our brain for it, we’re probably supposed to be using it at least for medical purposes. I think of it as at least being mother natures antidepressant. And if it kills cancers cells, which is a proven fact now that its finally been acknowledged by the mainstream medical science community there’s got to be some validity to it. I know for a fact that certain strains of it make a good  effective pain medication. And it natural. If you believe in God, you have to know that God put it here just like trees and plants that are food and medicines for all kinds of uses. I’ve heard some people of the religious persuasion admit to as much, but there’s a little ole legal issue with it still in several states still. More and more states are legalizing medical marijuana. They can’t all be dope head hippies Like the stereotype that’s been programmed into us for decades by the media.

William Randolph Hurst of Hurst publications was mostly responsible for “reefer madness” the movie that totally demonized marijuana just it get it illegal because it threatened the paper industry that Hust was so heavily invested in back then. He wanted it outlawed because he had a monopoly on the wood/paper industry back in those days. It doesn’t take a genius or even a medical expert to figure that out. Just a little research will show anyone that was the case behind it being illegal. The oil and gas industry felt threatened by it too. It can replace the wood we use for paper easily. You can even get oil from the seeds of the hemp plant and make fuel to run a car off of. Not only that. Henry Ford made a car almost entirely out of hemp that even ran on hemp oil. Its a sustainable product too. You can grow way more hemp (every year) on the same amount of land that it takes trees to mature enough to get one use out of before they have to replant and wait another several years to harvest. Hemp is a crop that can be grown every year instead of twenty or more years on the same amount of land. It only make economical sense and a “green” technological sense that we should be using it over oil, whick will eventually run out on us. According to most experts in the oil industry we have already hit peak oil production and production is on the downswing from here on out. Meaning its only going to get more and more expensive until the little guy is not going to be able to afford it soon. Yes, its dropped in price recently. But that just because the powers that be are using it as a weapon and domination tool right now, along with their Rothschilds fractional reserve fiat currency banking system to rely’s upon debt to hold up the value behind our currency. We were taken off the gold standard years ago because there’s not enough gold in the world to cover the cash currency floating around in our fake economy. Its not sustainable. Eventually the credit card people catch up to you with such a debt that it can be impossible to pay off eventually. Just like out “national debt”. Its all “on the credit card” right now and we can’t even keep up with the interest payments. That’s why the government keeps having to raise the debt ceiling on us.

I know this has very little to do with AA at this point of my post. But like a lot of things,  a lot of our biggest problems today are directly due to debt and the inability to sustain our way of life. Eventually its all going to come crashing down on us and make the great depression look like good times compared to what’s ahead of us. Knowing all of this contributed to my alcoholism a great deal I think. I’ve thought for a long time now that we are doomed to financial ruin as things are. And the doom of it when you get your eyes open enough to see it make things worse. A lot of people know this stuff these days and I’m sure its contributed greatly to addiction. People use to mask and hide their pain because we don’t know what to do about this inevitability.

For distraction they use the old bread and circus trick to keep us pacified and keep us from banding together to demand solutions. Mass media is mass indoctrination anymore. A quick study on Edward Bernays will tell you quite a bit about that.  They’ve got us believing a lot of outright lies anymore. A lot of people are thinking they’re watching the news anymore when all it really is is an opinion show. Some people get paid a lot of money to sell us lies and propaganda. Its always corporate sponsored too. Especially by corporation that make lots of money from our gullibility and approval of their system that keeps them rich and us poor.

I’ve heard it so many times for people when you explain things to them and they end up admitting its true. That we are run by psychopaths. They all say the same thing after admitting you’re right. “But I’m only one person, there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing we can do about it.” If everyone of those people got together and demanded change, we’d have change in no time. A national strike would get their attention pretty fast. Ghandi proved that a long time ago. Peaceful resistance is the ultimate power we have as a collective. They can’t put everyone in jail or it would cause the same effect as a national strike.

Too many people are scared of the government and that’s wrong. We should be scared of out government. They’re supposed to be working FOR us. The fact that none of them truly serve the people is easy to see if you look at it. We’re supposed to be able to voice our concerns to these elected officials but try writing some letters to them and you’ll find out pretty quickly who the politicians work for and listen to. They always go with whoever can give them the most money. There’s a really good video on youtube right now. There’s a lot of good videos on yotube actually. But this one really stands out to me more than a lot of others have over the years. And its not one you can really “debunk” either. Its called “JFK to 9/11 – Everything’s a Rich Mans Trick”. I would encourage everyone to take the time to watch that video and pay close attention to it because its so true its almost unbelievable. If you’ll take the three and half hours to watch it we will be very enlightened by it. I know that’s a long video and it hard to get anyone to watch it, but the few people I have convinced to watch it end up agreeing with it in the end just because it all makes such logical sense. We have been taken over by a shadow government of rich men. I wish it was something that was required of everyone to watch. I think if enough people watched it we would all have to start asking questions and demanding answers. Not all hope has disappeared just yet, but we’re very close now.

This is just a part of what caused me to drink so much. Its a BIG part of why I used to stay hammered all of the time. But its also part of why I quit drinking. Nobody is going to listen to a drunk when it comes to these subjects. Most probably are’t going to listen to an alcoholic about much of anything. But maybe, just maybe, people might listen to someone sober and sane  though. Its our only chance as I see it. People need to wake up ad start seeing things for what they are. So please, good people out there. Please watch this video. You don’t have to watch it all in one setting. There’s a pause button on these videos. You don’t even have to watch it all at once. Just please watch it.  My sleep meds have just about got me going down for the count now. Please watch it. Until next time …. good night people, and God Speed to everyone,

Another Night Another Meeting

I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight just knowing my counselor was going to be there. I went there for two reasons actually. I was suppose to call my sponsor yesterday but neither number I had for him worked. It turned out that whoever made the list got the numbers wrong for him. I’m sure he’ll be on her ass about that first thing tomorrow haha. He’s a bit of a curmudgeon, but he’s pretty cool in his own special way. My substance abuse counselor said I had to have a sponsor by the halfway mark through the program. When he first told me that I thought to myself, “I don’t need a sponsor, I should BE a sponsor.” Since there’s very few people at these meetings I think could qualify to be a sponsor for me I just hit the guy in charge up. He’s been sober 18 years now so he’s got a few miles on me in the sober department. I just hope he’s not a dick and tries to make me call him every day and give me an assignment or something. I don’t think he will, but you never know. I’ve been told he’s a tough one. I believe it too just judging by the way he talks at the meetings.

I also wanted to confront this counselor of mine and tell him to knock the bullshit off with me. I’m not like most of the people he deals with every day. I’m educated and I’m not hooked on drugs. I never have been. I know, alcohol is technically a drug but its a far cry from meth. I know that because I’ve tried it myself. More times than I should have actually. I knew it wasn’t for me the first time I ever tried it. It screwed up my weed buzz lol. I could drink a case of beer and not even feel drunk when I was on that shit too. Nope, I stuck with my beer and weed instead. That didn’t turn out too well either though. I had to learn my lesson the hard way like everything else I’ve ever learned. Well, Mr Counselor guy didn’t show up tonight. But I got the correct phone numbers for my sponsor. I think he was going to bitch at me for not calling him yesterday but I headed him off at the pass when I whipped out the contact sheet and showed it to him.

I still don’t know how this is all going to turn out with my substance abuse program and getting my license back. And I honestly don’t give a damn. If it brings the guy some joy in preventing me from getting my license back I’ve got a surprise for him. He better hope it doesn’t turn out that way though. If he knew what I had in mind he would probably give me my certificate early and hope to God he never has to see me again. If he wants to play hard ass with me I’ll make sure he starts getting drug tested himself on a regular basis. I know who to call to make that happen. I’ve already gotten the entire staff into trouble once before. That was a pure accident though. I didn’t mean to get anyone in trouble. I owed a little money to them and called the billing office one day to let them know I was going to send them a check for the full balance on my bill after getting a crappy letter from them for not making a payment in a timely manner. I told the lady I was sorry but nobody had hit me up for money in a while and I have a bad memory. They say I have early onset dementia that was probably caused when I knocked a hole in my head during my motorcycle wreck. I believe it too. I have a hard time with short term memory. I have to write everything on a calendar when it comes to appointments. I also pin my appointment slips to a cork board next to my desk so I have to look at them every day.

The NA meetings have some different people in them than the AA meetings. Some of these people go to both too. Since our counselor always took us to the NA meetings for part of our Tuesday night classes I got to know some of them. There’s a few people in there I really like too. Some of the people at those meetings are only there to get a piece of paper signed for the judge. But some of them are there on their own free will too. I have to respect that. I’m impressed by them too. Those are the ones who are trying. They also make me feel like I should stick around. I know that somewhere in me I’ve got something for them. I’ve got a hell of a testimony in me, that’s for sure. Anyone who knows me very well knows I’m lucky to be alive and that I’m able to even walk. I wasn’t supposed to make it according to the air ambulance crew who took me for a ride to the hospital that night.

The fact that I was able to stand on a stage and play guitar with my band at a fundraiser for one of those crew members a few years later still kinda trips me out. I’ve been paying it back and paying it forward for a few years now. That makes me feel pretty good too. I’ve been in on raising tens of thousands of dollars for charity and fundraisers so far with my band. I just hope we can recover from our band member losses and get back to it soon. Who knows? Maybe they’ll have a change of heart and come back eventually too. They just got burned out from doing it so much I think.

Once you get that bug in you its hard to shake for some reason. I know a lot of people dream about being in a band and playing on stage to a bunch of people. I used to do it too when I was a kid. I just stuck with it long enough to finally make it happen. I’ve learned a lot from my friend up east, near Bean town. You can do just about anything you set your mind to. You just have to have a strong enough will and desire to make it happen. Its easier said than done, no doubt about it. But if you work hard at it and don’t give up you can do it. Of course with a band you also have to have a little bit of talent, but you have to have a lot more willpower. That applies to anything you want to do in life.

I’m grateful to have a friend like I have in Massachusetts. That dude is one smart cookie! We go back a ways too. Funny thing about it is I have yet to meet him face to face. We’ve talked about maybe meeting in Memphis one of these days and hanging out at some blues music venues. He’s into jazz and I’m into blues based rock, but we’re both into the blues. I hope we do get a chance one of these days to meet in person. We’ve talked a lot of times on the phone and we exchange emails fairly regular. Both of us have had near death experiences too. The guy is like the big brother I never had. I’m the oldest of four siblings so I never had a big brother, but I adopted one in him. We’ve been through a lot over the years too. We even had a blog talk radio show for a little while.

I was going to call him tonight after I got home from the meeting but I got in late and we’ve both got a busy week ahead of us, so I’ll probably hold off on calling him until this weekend. He’s got three blogs of his own and grandchildren and all kinds of things that keep him busy. I’ve got my band and all kinds of my own crap going on right now too. I’ve got this new blog now too. Its good for venting my frustrations whether anyone reads it or not. Its just a good way to clear my system of pent up anger and frustration. Self therapy ……

It sure beats the hell out of seroquel.

Peace!